Sick of Being Sick

So I have not been doing much of anthing lately but trying to get over this horrible bronchitis and get through each day as best as I can. I can definitly say that being so sick has definitly made my MS symptoms more noticable to me. Everyone can see and hear me hacking and coughing and blowing my nose but what no one else can see is the dizzziness, the tingeling, headaches, vision issues and the FATIGUE! Again the cold on top of the MS has made the fatigue double. Not fun.

So what have I been thinking about lately? I have been thinking about how pissed I am! I mean really, is it too much to ask to feel well, get better fast, only suffer with the symptoms of a cold and not all of this other stuff?  I spend my fee time "resting" even though I would rather be outside in the beautiful weather or have the energy to do the things I want to do.

Work for instance is something I enjoy 99% of the time. I love my job. Reall I do and I know how lucky I am to be aboe to say that! But wow has it been a struggle lately. I missed 3 days over this cold that has hit me like a mac truck. I have been back for a week or more now but I am struggling! I just want to go back to bed. Not because I am lazy but because I am so run down! I have no answer for this other than to express that this is hard! I am angry to spend my precious vacation days home sick! I am angry that I feel so crappy that the things that normally bring me joy are exhausting. I am angry that people keep telling me I look better when I really feel awful. No one wants to be that person who says "well thanks but I really feel like shit, let me tell you about all of my issues combined." So I smile and say "yea I'm getting better, thanks." Meanwhile my body is struggling to move and concentrate. I am sick, tired, and in between all of this I am taking my shots and smiling to keep up appearances. I can't be a total debbie downer all of the time, so I try and cope. I hide it, from everyone. So I am taking it out tonight in my words on here!

I am not going to apologize for complaining because this is what MS looks like sometimes! This is what MS feels like sometimes! I don't like it, in fact I hate it! I want to feel better. I want this lingering cold to go away and my MS to calm down! Is that too much to ask? Oh were the days when I could just nurse my cold and feel better in a few days.

Just today as I was at work I really thought about how great it would be if I were able to just be off- not work- take care of myself. Of course this is not a reality and is not what I want but where do you draw the line of living and taking care of yourself vs. struggling to do things you have to regardless of how it affects your quality of life. It is not the work or "working", it is the thought of what is more important. When you feel like crap you should not have to spend the little energy you have getting through the day just because that is what you are supposed to do. But that is life.

Today I was told a story by a friend of mine who has- had- a friend who just retired at age 52. She had cancer and she and her husband just 2 weeks ago bought a house in Florida to retire to. The wanted to spend their retirment years enjoing life. After all they are young. Well just today that woman passed away after an oddity with her cancer- died suddenly! So as I listen to this story I mentally think about what is more important. Do you suffer though work and the have to's of life just because you are supposed to? I guess the answer is yes, but that really stinks.

I don't know if I am making much, if any, sense. The past few days have been "bad days". Sick of being sick. Waiting to feel better. There is nothing worse that waiting for something you are not sure if you are ever going to get. I go to bed each night hoping that tomorrow will be better. I will do the same tonight.

Just as it is one of those days it is one of those blogs!

:)